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Just me

  • Standing Ovation? +39/-2
Re: Dr. Braveheart
« Reply #10 on: July 30, 2013, 12:32:21 PM »
Dr. Braveheart #6: Adios Rickey

God has surely blessed me with a wide arrangement of patience, resolve, wit, charm, boldness, good looks, stamina, meekness, humility, and other notable qualities found only in true men of God. Oh how the sweet fruits of the Lord’s blessings abound! There are 3600 members on the church roll, 500 foreign missionaries supported by our church members, thousands of annual conversions and baptisms, and on top of all of that, a flourishing school and college.

My heart skips a beat just thinking about the richness of God’s blessings that pour so graciously upon this mannagod’s ministry. With that said, sometimes it’s difficult for Dr. Braveheart not to get irritated by the idiotic waste of space known as college boys. Case in point:

An hour or so before Sunday night services a young man entered into my office kingdom. I was vigorously reviewing my sermon notes and illustrations on my 3x5 cards. He tapped on my open door, and I invited him in. When I looked up from my desk it appeared to me that this young man had been crying for some time. Traces of dried mucous was visible beneath his nostrils.

Brother Braveheart, (sniff, sniff) you’re never going to believe what my roommate (sniff) did last night, he said as he wiped his bloodshot eyes.

I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms against my hulking, barrel chest. I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to press him to reveal anymore. So I waited. And waited. He just looked at me, and I looked back. Get on with it, bless God.

Time is money. He wasn’t proceeding.

Fine, son tell me, what did your roommate do last night?

Sir, there’s uh.. there’s been some hard feelings between us for the past two weeks (sniff). I’ve uh.. I’ve been dating his ex-girlfriend.

So.

Well..

Who is she?

Plain Jane Frumpy Bottoms.

Mmm-hmm.. yes, yes, Miss Plain Jane. I recognized the name. If it’s whom I’m thinking of I’m pretty sure she’s a cow. This fella’s judgement must not be very good.

The thing is I’ve tried my hardest to be a friend to Jerry, but he’s having none of it.

I sat forward in my chair and stared at this kid. Son, are we going to get to the tearjerker part of this story anytime soon?

Early this morning I found Rickey floating in the sink. He didn’t get the last word out of his mouf before he burst into a sobbing mess that would make Tammy Faye jealous.

And what the stinkin’ flip is Rickey? A blasted fish?

He (waahhh) was my (sniff) hamster!

A hamster, I repeated with disgust, that’s what this is all about?

The young man nodded. Bless God, have you been crying to your girlfriend about this also? His non-answer proved to me that he had indeed been whining to Plain Jane Frumpy Bottoms.

I shook my head and closed my eyes. If I were Plain Jane I would drop you like a steaming pile of elephant poo!

But "I think my roommate was (sniff) behind killing Rickey", the girly man continued.

I rubbed my throbbing forehead. Fine.. why do you think your roommate drowned your gerbil?

He pulled out a small note from the back pocket of his black slacks. This was placed on top of the sink next to Rickey’s floating body. I can’t go on living in this cage anymore. May this grant me peace I’ve been searching for. This wasn’t your fault! Love, Rickey’.

Again, as before, he burst into tears. I grimaced. Brother Braveheart, do you think Rickey is in heaven?

This conversation was spinning out of control in a most ridiculous manner. Therefore I’m going to have some fun, amen!

Son, Rickey is in hell. I’m sorry, I spoke calmly. His eyes grew big with surprise. Unless unless.. I baited the hook waiting for this boy to bite, unless you led Rickey frough the plan of salvation. Did you ever lead Rickey to the Lord, son?

He had a contemplative demeanor. I could hear the wheels turning in his head. I’ve got phenomenal listening skills thanks to the military service! Well, now that I think about it, I did practice preaching the gospel in my room whenever it was just me and Rickey.

Mmm-hmm.. but did he accept Jesus as his Savior? I probed.

He looked around the floor, and shrugged his shoulders. I don’t think so.

A slight smile formed around my mouf. Come here, I said. Come up to my desk. He walked forward to my desk. I whispered, You have got to be the most stupid, ignorant, worthless, mindless idiot I have ever met. Get out of my church and my school. Now!!

Why this young man seemed surprised by my assessment is beyond me. But he hesitated to follow suit. GET OUT! I yelled.

Once he was gone I continued reviewing my sermon for the evening. How exactly will I be able to use this meeting as an illustration tonight? What might this have to do with Iraq, Islamonazis, and Issruhl? I definitely had my work cut out for me now.

Just me

  • Standing Ovation? +39/-2
Re: Dr. Braveheart
« Reply #11 on: July 30, 2013, 12:35:49 PM »
Dr. Braveheart #7: Advice is best taken, not ignored!

Originally published Jan. 24, 2004.


I am here to serve God’s people through heavenly inspired wisdom and counsel. It is free, doesn’t cost ya nothin. It costs me time, but I don’t make a big deal about that. What bothers me though is whenever someone comes to visit me seeking advice and they don’t take it.

An elderly, faif-ful layman of our church named Harvey approached me in my office this afternoon on his lunch break. I figured out immediately that he was having problems with his wife.

Dr. Braveheart, I’m having problems with my wife, were his exact words. The poor fella had a troubled demeanor.

What kind of problems? I inquired.

Me and the Mrs. have a great marriage. We really do, he nodded his head affirmatively. He dropped his shoulders and exhaled, The other night on our way home from church we were talking about the message which I think was right on target, sir.

As usual, I smiled.

Anyways, we were reflecting upon the sermon and discussing ways to apply the words spoken into our life.

Well, she made a disparaging remark about you in the process.

Just a moment, I said. I then opened up my desk drawer on my bottom right, acting like I was searching for something important. In all actuality, I was thumbing frough the dictionary to find the word disparaging. I hadn’t a clue what this man just said. But a word to the wise for all you aspiring young preacher boys out there. Always carry a dictionary in your desk drawer in case a situation like this arises. Never let your flock think they know words that you don’t. Ah here it is:

dis•par•age Pronunciation Key (d -sp r j)

tr.v. dis•par•aged, dis•par•ag•ing, dis•par•ag•es

1. To speak of in a slighting or disrespectful way; belittle. See Synonyms at decry.
2. To reduce in esteem or rank.

To speak disrespectful of? Bless God, who does this broad think she is!? I shut the drawer.

Okay, sorry about that, I said. I had to review another case of a similar situation. Now, what it appears is going on is that your wife is pushing the envelope. She’s trying to see how much she can say against this mannagod before you finally do something about it. I would have none of it. My suggestion to you is that the next time she speaks ‘disparagingly’ about me, you ought to fill her mouf with your fist. Preferably with a considerable amount of force. I recognize that this might seem a bit harsh, but sometimes you just have to bring the smackdown! I said with lifted eyebrows and large eyes.

Harvey sat their bewildered. He swallowed, and then spoke softly, Sir, I could never raise a hand against my wife.

How long have you two been married?

Close to 34 years this October, was his reply.

I laughed. And you’ve never wanted to hit her!?

He shook his head no and gave me a stone look.

Well then, I suppose that’s admirable. But I never said anything about making a habit of hitting your spouse. Sometimes you just gotta show the old lady who’s boss. If she doesn’t get the message that it is NOT OKAY to belittle the mannagod, she will continue demeaning the Lord’s anointed. Frankly, if this had happened in Old Testament times I would have given you an armful of stones and told you to go home and stone the Jezebel!

He shook his head no and buried his face in his hands. Sorry Brother Braveheart, but I believe you are wrong on this one.

Then my face turned to stone. Listen here you little puke

He continued. I’ve read through the Bible a number of times, and there is nothing written in it that would validate what you’ve advocated me to do, he said while standing up from the sofa across my desk.

Harvey, as the Lord’s anointed appointed messenger, I must speak the troof. And sometimes there are things I may suggest that might not sound right at the time. That’s where faith comes into the picture. You must believe in your heart that what I’m saying is for your own good, even if it doesn’t make sense at the time. Believe that God will show you further down the road the wisdom behind such counsel.

He laughed slightly. Thank you for your advice, he said with a bit of an attitude. I frowned at him hard. Thank you for showing me what you really are. This place is not for me, or my wife. Then he walked out
the door.

I stood from my desk and poked my head out of my chamber. He had not yet made it out of my outer office where the secretarial damsels worked away. You’re not getting the last word here, bubba.

You’re lucky you haven’t caught gonorrhea from all the hookers you’ve serviced! I barked. Harvey turned his startled head towards me. I pity you, he hissed through clenched jaws. He shook his head angrily, then left in haste.

Each one of my 7 secretaries wore a repulsed look on their face as they cast their eyes upon me.

Let this be a lesson to each one of you, I lectured. Frequenting whorehouses can cause gonorrhea. Trust me on this one. Deep down I giggled uncontrollably, but the solemn look on my face gave no hint of itSo long you buzzard.

Just me

  • Standing Ovation? +39/-2
Re: Dr. Braveheart
« Reply #12 on: July 30, 2013, 12:38:45 PM »
Dr. Braveheart #8: Brother Busybody's Briefs

Every single preacher spread out over God’s green urff should keep a staff member on board who will keep a watchful eye on the congregations’ shortcomings. This is most useful for me as the mannagod to know what is going on inside the church family, lest I run out of sermon illustrations. Don’t underestimate the power of exposing peoples’ sins from the pulpit. It will either straighten out a person from sin, or cause them to leave. Either scenario is quite welcomed in my book.

And speaking of the good book, how many chapters of the Bible did you read today? I personally read 17. Four of them were from the Greek texts, five were in Aramaic, seven were from the King James, and one was from the Dead Sea scrolls. In case you’re wondering where I obtained a copy of the Dead Sea scrolls, I will explain. Last time I was in Issruhl I visited a gift shop in Jerusalem. One of the items being sold was a replica of the cherished discovery for a price of $39.95 (in American dollars). I rolled my eyes at the price, as well as the gimmick of duplicating such a revered piece of history, and was about to leave. The store clerk noticed my attention towards the souvenirs, and approached me. He said that I appeared to be a man of great discernment and knowledge. I told him he was correct, for I am an Independent Fundamental Baptist preacher. He invited me to the back of the shop and showed me a collection of tattered manuscripts.

These.. these are thee real Dead Sea scrolls, he said with a thick Hebrew accent, and an air of pride. I sell these to only you.

I looked him over cautiously. How much?

Since you are a man of great understanding, I will offer it to you for the low price of $2,000. I have to admit, the price caused me to flinch. But these were the real deal! He knew that I was a man who would appreciate such a find. I had to have them. Besides, the church could foot the bill. How excited would they be to know their preacher bought the Dead Sea scrolls for a small sum of $2,000? When I returned home from my trip, the church sacrificially reached into their pocketbooks to finance this great buy. A tear of gratitude is now forming in the corner of my eye as I reminisce of their giving.

Coming back to owning a staff member who will keep a watchful eye on the church members, Brother Busybody fills that role well here at the Witch Hunt Baptist Church. Every morning at 8:00 he informs me of the latest news. I’ve never known another man to have the gift of tattling quite like Busybody does.

What’s new today, Busybody? I asked while turning on my computer.

First and foremost, things are great with me and the family. It’s been six whole months since we’ve rented a movie from the Blockbuster down the street.

Praise the Lord.

I did, unfortunately, spot the Hosebrain family renting some movies the other day.

Oh?

Yeah..I was across the way from Blockbuster, preaching on the street corner when I observed Brother and Mrs. Hosebrain entering the video store. Fifteen minutes later they came out with about 2-3 DVDs in
their hands.

Were you able to identify which films they were?

He sighed with disappointment. No sir. I tried. They were walking too fast back to their vehicle. And the binoculars I was carrying in my back pocket just weren’t strong enough to

I suppose you’re probably going to ask me for a new pair of binoculars so these kinds of problems don’t arise in the future, huh? I sensed, knowing the mentality of Busybody all too well. You see, that’s the beauty of having such an indispensable tattle-tale on board. They’re always looking for new and improved technologies to monitor the straying sheep!

Yes sir, new binoculars would be nice, he nodded, unable to conceal his enthusiasm.

Denied, I stated, the old pair will remain sufficient. Now, renting videos can only lead to a dark path of entertainment, a poor substitute for living a Christian life. Sounds to me like Brother Hosebrain has earned a phone call.

Speaking of phones, sir, one of the junior girls ”Mandy Mapleleaf” was caught with a ring tone on her cell phone that sounded worldly. There was a definite beat to it, albeit a digital one. If her phone had not gone off in the hallway between classes, there’s no telling how long this bad influence would have gone unnoticed.

Hmmm.this is highly disturbing, I pouted. Well, new rule. No cellular phones allowed within 500 feet of the school. We cannot have this kind of filth infiltrating our hallways.

I’m all over it, sir, he said while scribbling some notes onto his pad of paper. One last thing, what are we to do with Julio Le Jesus?

Who’s he?

He’s the 8th grader who was suspended a few days ago for asking one of the freshman girls what her cup size was.

Which freshman girl was it?

Dolly Spartan.

Is she well endowed?

Why-I-uh---I really couldn’t say one way or-

Sure you can. You’re a man. Is she well endowed, I demanded.

Yes sir. Quite.

All right then. Keep Julio out of school for the next week. He’s not allowed to make up any homework or quizzes or tests. Everything he misses will be recorded as a zero on his grades. Now, with DollyI think we need to have a chat with her. She needs to know the dangers of her equipment, and what that means to young boys in heat.

Busybody agreed with a head nod and wrote the note down.

You know what I think? I asked. Busybody shrugged his shoulders. I think this young lady, Dolly, has probably been acting flirtatious and seductive with the boys already. I mean, think about it, why would this Julio kid ask her clear out of the blue what her cup size was if she wasn’t flaunting them?

Good point, sir.

That settles it. Bring Dolly in here immediately.

I’d dare say that Dolly’s parents have probably never sat her down and warned her of the things that I’m about to do. Times like these are rather thankless, since most people will never find out about my sessions of blunt wisdom with the young ladies. Nevertheless, these tasks must be done.

Indifference engine

  • Standing Ovation? +1/-22
Re: Dr. Braveheart
« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2018, 06:56:11 AM »
b u m p

Walt

  • Standing Ovation? +140/-0
Re: Dr. Braveheart
« Reply #14 on: November 02, 2018, 10:56:22 PM »
I've not seen these before.

Wow.