Dr. Braveheart #5: Iraqnaphobia
Now is the opportune time for missionaries to go into Iraq. The conditions are ripe, much like it was 15 years ago in Russia. Since Russia is no longer headlining the news, I feel that Iraq has become the most ideal country for missionaries to surrender their lives. Now listen, I’m not so stupid as to say surrendering to Iraq as a missionary would be safe. The constant freat of violins… excuse me, violence, cannot be discounted. There is always that fear of being kidnapped by insurgents. What an awful shame that would be. Especially the media circus that would directly result from it. I would feel completely uncomfortable if one of my church’s missionaries were to be kidnapped and I had to be interviewed about it. I would hate all the publicity of writing a memoir detailing how I intervened on the behalf of the kidnapped, and how I led a force of specialized troops into a hornets’ nest of gunfire, explosions, and Islamonazis, all to rescue Christian missionaries. I absolutely could not handle the Hollywood premiere of this inspirational story coming to the picture shows.
Maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself.
Not too long ago our church had the privilege of sending one of our precious single young ladies to Iraq as a missionary. She voluntarily surrendered to this foreign land of sand after 2 years of gentle recommendations on my part. For the past 4 months this young lady has been there and God is blessing the work in great and mighty ways! (if this were not true, I wouldn’t have used an exlamation! point!)
Patty Cake has been staying with the Haagen-Dazs family during this time. Brother Haagen-Dazs was the first recruit sent over to Iraq as a missionary from Witch Hunt Baptist church. He, his wife, and two children arrived six months after the “shock and awe†campaign ended. It’s a blessing to this preacher when Patty calls me and reports the progress being made in spreading the gospel to the rag heads.
Unfortunately, the last word I received from Patty was troubling. When the Lord is building a great work, you can count on the devil planting hisself in the midst of it to cause division:
“Greetings Patty,†I emphatically began, “ how’s everything going?â€
“Everything is going just great here, preacher,†she replied.
“So how many Islams have you had saved this past week?†I questioned, getting down to real business.
“Oh.. well, it’s been kind of slow lately. We haven’t had a profession of faith in almost… I think it’s been 11 days now.†Her tone drifted from relatively positive to disappointed.
“Now, now, now, don’t lose sight of your mission. God opened the door, God brought you there, and God is taking care of you. If you get down in the dumps it does not bring glory and honor to the Lord. I’d recommend you suck up your bottom lip up before you trip over it,†I compassionately urged.
“You’re right, Dr. Braveheart, I completely agree,†she acknowledged, as my blunt advice momentarily lifted her spirits. “Preacher,†she continued, “I have something that’s rather difficult to say.. something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time but have never brought myself to say.â€
My ears pricked up, and I placed my elbows on the edge of my desk in anticipation for whatever confession would soon spill from the mouf of this young lady. “Hang on a moment,†I commanded. I opened up the top drawer of my desk and retrieved my tape recorder. This might be good. Then I placed her on speakerphone so her voice could be adequately detected.
“Sorry about that. Now go ahead. Remember, this will stay confidential, kept only between the two of us,†I said before pressing down the record button.
She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Sir, Brother Haagen-Dazs has been making me feel…†another deep breath.. “uncomfortable.â€
“How so? Has he been making you sleep on the floor again? You know I told him to let you sleep on the sofa that this church so graciously provided.â€
“No..no. It’s not that,†she paused. “He’s been making inappropriate contact towards me that cause me to feel…†her voice trailed off as she could not find fitting words.
“Patty, you know that I am here for you. I care about you. I pray for you every day. I love you like a stepchild. Okay? Now, tell me exactly what it is that Brother Haagen-Dazs has done.â€
She gradually began. “The other night I was just falling asleep when he walked into my room and…CENSORED…TOO HOT FOR THE FORUM’S EYES OR IMAGINATION…â€
I sat up straight and leaned back in my swivel chair, while rubbing my bald dome. “That is a rather serious allegation there, Patty.â€
“I know, sir. I wouldn’t have ever thought he could do such a terrible thing..â€
“I realize you’re under enormous pressures right now. It is very difficult to be a single young lady, especially with all the hormones begging for attention from a male,†I thus began my diagnosis of the situation.
“Huh?†was her reaction.
“It is quite natural for a female of the tender age of 24 to crave a relationship with a man. But just because Brother Haagen-Dazs is the closest thing doesn’t mean you should pursue him. He’s happily married. Probably has a fulfilling, vibrant sex life also. Their two children confirm this.â€
“Now just a minute,†she tearfully interrupted, “I don’t think you heard what I said.â€
“Oh I absolutely did! I’ve heard tales like this all the time. Here’s what I think happened. Because of the close proximity you have with Brother Haagen-Dazs, and the lack of other white men nearby, you have fooled yourself into thinking that you want to be with him. You’ve probably batted your eyes at him, given him a wink and a smile. Who knows? But I think he caught on to your overt flirtations and shut you down. When he did this you were crushed. So you gave the devil a foothold in your mind by giving in to vengeful fantasies in an effort to get even with him. That’s why you told me this lie about this dear Brother in Christ. You ought to be ashamed.â€
A prolonged silence on the other end. “Patty, are you still there?â€
She sniffed back tears, but did not respond. “Look, I realize that it’s also quite hot over there. The reports I’ve heard from my connections in the armed forces say it can get as hot as 130 degrees. Maybe I’m wrong, just don’t quote me on that. Perhaps your story of Brother Haagen-Dazs is not a reflection of your animal lust for him. Perhaps the blazing heat has created a realistic feeling mirage in your mind. You’re probably also homesick, and that doesn’t help matters much either.â€
“You really don’t believe me?†she asked while wiping her eyes.
I thought for a moment. “I believe there are a number of possibilities to explain what you told me. But I don’t think Haagen-Dazs really came into your room and groped you. He’s just not that kind of a person.â€
“I want to come home,†she confided.
She wanted to quit on God, I thought. This made me hotter than deep fried camel’s breath. “Patty, bless God, you’ve not listened to a single thing I’ve said today. You’re frough! You can find your own way back home. You’re not going to get any help from me, or any other supporting church that sponsors you every month. You’re absolutely worthless!â€
I hung up and slowly collected my composure. “That’s that,†I mumbled to myself.
I sat there and seriously pondered what had just transpired. How really hot is deep fried camel’s breath?..