Christmas and family dynamics.

[Tarheel Baptist]

As a Pastor one recurring theme with many at Christmas is whether or not to invite/allow estranged family members to gatherings. It dampens and has ‘ruined’ Christmas by friction at Christmas dinners. The details change but the general problem is the same…

How would you handle such a situation?

 

[DrHuk&Duck]

As a Pastor one recurring theme with many at Christmas is whether or not to invite/allow estranged family members to gatherings. It dampens and has ‘ruined’ Christmas by friction at Christmas dinners. The details change but the general problem is the same…

How would you handle such a situation?

WWJD?

 

[ALAYMAN]

As a Pastor one recurring theme with many at Christmas is whether or not to invite/allow estranged family members to gatherings. It dampens and has ‘ruined’ Christmas by friction at Christmas dinners. The details change but the general problem is the same…

How would you handle such a situation?

In my opinion, there’s not enough information given to answer the question properly. I would have to know the circumstances of the estrangement. I’d have to know if those circumstances were ongoing still. I would have to know what the reasonable probability that those circumstances which caused the friction would escalate into more than just tension, something along the lines of bitter verbal acrimony and hostility or even violence.

 

[Sherryh]

Family situations will not change . It can only get worse so don't put yourself or your family in the situation. Enjoy the season as much as you can . Don't try and change your family....you can't.

 

[Tarheel Baptist]

I understand that specifics matter. However I gave the overview of the problem.

My experience is that most of this type conflict plays out in a passive-aggressive way…which drives the victim’ crazy. Usually I tell those involved that they ultimately must decide what to do. And that it’s ok whatever they decide.

If they decide to participate (they usually do) I try to help them create reasonable expectations! Lowering expectations can overcome a multitude of problems. Many, many, many people deal with this added stress during the holidays.

 

[DrHuk&Duck]

Usually I tell those involved that they ultimately must decide what to do. And that it’s ok whatever they decide.

Just out of curiosity, why are all of these people asking your advice about a situation like this? Have you dealt with this, or are you some type of psychologist or LMHC?

 

[abcaines]

To me, the term estranged means one or both parties have cut ties and there is no communication, no attempt or interest in being there. Estrangement, therefore, is a self enforced solution.

The Caines (and surrounding) family(s) has known its fair share of estrangement. When holidays come around, everyone does their own thing... While I wouldn't call my relationship with my sisters estrangement, there isn't a whole lot of communication between us. One sister is happy doing her own thing and the other has ongoing animosity with her kids. Mrs. Abcaines and I don't care to go there much anymore because we don't have the stomach for the drama. We're perfectly happy laying low at home with each other.

 

[Ekklesian]

As a Pastor one recurring theme with many at Christmas is whether or not to invite/allow estranged family members to gatherings. It dampens and has ‘ruined’ Christmas by friction at Christmas dinners. The details change but the general problem is the same…

How would you handle such a situation?

In truth, Christmas is just another day. I would advise them to handle the situation as they would on any other day. It's the unresolved conflicts they need to focus on before they can focus on fellowship.

 

[Tarheel Baptist]

Just out of curiosity, why are all of these people asking your advice about a situation like this? Have you dealt with this, or are you some type of psychologist or LMHC?

I have been a Pastor for 48 years and this has been a constant theme throughout.

 

[Tarheel Baptist]

In truth, Christmas is just another day. I would advise them to handle the situation as they would on any other day. It's the unresolved conflicts they need to focus on before they can focus on fellowship.

The problem is, that unlike any other day, they are expected to attend family gatherings….putting them in contact with these ‘antagonists’.

 

[Tarheel Baptist]

To me, the term estranged means one or both parties have cut ties and there is no communication, no attempt or interest in being there. Estrangement, therefore, is a self enforced solution.

The Caines (and surrounding) family(s) has known its fair share of estrangement. When holidays come around, everyone does their own thing... While I wouldn't call my relationship with my sisters estrangement, there isn't a whole lot of communication between us. One sister is happy doing her own thing and the other has ongoing animosity with her kids. Mrs. Abcaines and I don't care to go there much anymore because we don't have the stomach for the drama. We're perfectly happy laying low at home with each other.

You describe an all too familiar situation.
My family was pretty stable, emotionally speaking, so it was surprising to me the sheer number of people who struggle with this at the holidays. Looking back, it shouldn’t have been so surprising.

 

[abcaines]

You describe an all too familiar situation.
My family was pretty stable, emotionally speaking, so it was surprising to me the sheer number of people who struggle with this at the holidays. Looking back, it shouldn’t have been so surprising.

You and I were raised in a different era. Very few families are so stable anymore. I think stability and closeness was more common a generation (or two) ago. Or, at least it seemed that way to me as a kid.

My earliest memories include my grandfather gathering the family on Easter and Thanksgiving. Even two of my aunts who fought like cats and dogs minded their Ps & Qs when Grandpa presided. The last family gathering with Grandpa was his 90th birthday party in 1981. Grandpa passed in 1983. The family just drifted apart afterwards. I do have precious memories of spending quality time with two of my aunts and some of my cousins after I got out of the Navy.

When I was ten, I went to live with my sister who eventually married into a tight knit family who opened their homes and hearts to both me and my sister. Despite rampant alcoholism, the family was still close. Of course, the alcohol and drug use, particularly among the cousins, did eventually fracture that family through death mostly. While there was some alienation, an attitude of closeness remains to this day. I do have to note that a number of third generation members, my nephew and a handful of his cousins have come to the Lord and despite scars from the past, have carried on some of the warmth that was present back in the day.

As for Mrs. Abcaines and myself, we are content with our quiet life... We deeply love her side of the family, who, like my sister's in laws have opened their hearts to me, but they too have fractured since many of the previous generation have passed.

 

[DrHuk&Duck]

I have been a Pastor for 48 years and this has been a constant theme throughout.

Interesting, well, as I previously said, WWJD. I think each person has to approach this prayerfully and decide how they felt led by God. If I had young, impressionable children, I might shield them from certain toxic family members, but if kids are older or out of the house, I might handle it differently and try to be a positive influence for the day.