Compulsory church attendance for kids/dependent teens.

[subllibrm]

Why do you assume that rebellion is the root cause? Or put  this way; do you think that rebellion is always part of the equation?

I am willing to concede that theoretically it could have other causes besides rebellion, but I sort of ruled most of that out earlier by saying it's not an abusive situation.

Without getting wordy, on a basic level, it is simple rebellion to important rules of the house.  And it is simple rebellion to God's expectation for corporate worship, particularly if the teen claims to be a Christian.

Fair enough.

I'm just not sure that there must be something overt on the part of the church. I certainly wouldn't start with the assumption of rebellion. I would hope that by the teen years that mom and dad have a relationship that allows the young person to articulate their issue without fear of reprisal (note the sarcastic HH reference earlier).

Maybe we never got to that standoff because there were no limits on what could be asked or proposed by our kids. We had one rule; back it up. And that went for everyone starting with, and most importantly, me. Having an open attitude to answer everything honestly (never resorting to "because I said so") and a willingness to admit error and failure, went a long way with my girls. They knew I wasn't perfect but they also knew they could trust me.

Oh, and never be afraid to say "I don't know". Go find an answer. Involve them in the search for the answer. Just never give an answer without the ability to walk them through it and to it first.

 

[JrChurch]

In my experience, generally speaking, the older kids get the less they like church.  If your teenager told you that they weren't interested in attending church anymore what would your reaction be?

I'd probably give them the same response as if they said, "I'm no longer interested in attending school/no longer interested in keeping my room clean/no longer interested in joining the family at the weekly meal with grandpa/no longer interested in studying."

The response would be a raised eyebrow. 

Training teens to make responsible choices includes teaching them  to persevere when faced with the feeling of indifference .

 

[ALAYMAN]

In my experience, generally speaking, the older kids get the less they like church.  If your teenager told you that they weren't interested in attending church anymore what would your reaction be?

I'd probably give them the same response as if they said, "I'm no longer interested in attending school/no longer interested in keeping my room clean/no longer interested in joining the family at the weekly meal with grandpa/no longer interested in studying."

The response would be a raised eyebrow. 

Training teens to make responsible choices includes teaching them  to persevere when faced with the feeling of indifference .

This is my opinion in a nutshell as well.

For a very good and reasonably comprehensive article on the subject....

http://christianmomthoughts.com/8-reasons-why-kids-dont-want-to-go-to-church/

 

[Walt]

In my experience, generally speaking, the older kids get the less they like church.  If your teenager told you that they weren't interested in attending church anymore what would your reaction be?

i would ask them why..........and not in an angry or suspicious way..... but just honestly wanting to know what is wrong...........  who knows.......they might have good reason...... :-\

Fair enough.

For starters we'll assume it's nothing to do with being harmed physically or otherwise at church.  I'll cover a WIDE swath of underlying possibilities here...

What if they said "I just don't like church anymore"?  Or "there's nothing going on in the youth group"?  Maybe they admit that their heart is just apathetic towards the things of God like fellowship, prayer, Bible study, hearing preaching, service, etc.

While I can imagine this happening, I was a babe in Christ as a teen, so I spent my teen years soaking in everything that I could learn from various teachers.  Not bored with church... I suppose if I had grown up "in church", and thought that I'd "heard it all", I could have been bored as a teen.

I like what was said earlier -- try to get an honest, non-confrontational discussion going as to why.  I'd be a little concerned about their salvation if they have no interest in spiritual things at all.

 

[prophet]

Fix "church", then see how your teen reacts.
Give them true church at home, so that the Assembly is just an opportunity to spend time with others with whom you agree.
By teen years, a healthy person is beginning to debate issues, express opinions, etc.
You should relish this time as an opportunity to guide them.

Earnestly Contend

 

[subllibrm]

By teen years, a healthy person is beginning to debate issues, express opinions, etc.

Yes!

You should relish this time as an opportunity to guide them.

Yes!

Asking questions is the normal response to a gap in knowledge or understanding. I do not understand how it can be construed as rebellion. Questions should be welcomed, not feared. It means that they are interested in the topic.

Maybe the rebellion of not wanting to go to church is a result of an environment that does not welcome questions.

We have a young lady in our church who is a complete iconoclast. Since late JR High she has looked into just about every religion and philosophy out there. Her parents would come to me and ask what to do. I said let her search. If she is really interested in the truth she will eventually come right back to where she started.

I spent countless hours over many years with her (our families are camping buddies so lots of campfire time) discussing (note: not arguing) different worldviews with her. My favorite phase was when she wanted to become a Rastafarian. She was enamored with their zeal among other attributes she felt were lacking in the church. She was crushed when I told her that she could never be a full Rastafarian because she is white.

So every new thing she "discovered" she would come to me and compare it to the church. I would listed to  her enthusiasm and eventually ask her once again why she was comparing this (as with everything else) to the church. The measuring rod is Jesus. How do they stack up against Him? What is their answer to His claims about Himself? Lather, rinse, repeat.

I encouraged mom and dad to not engage it with her as a fight. Take it as questions to answer or turn it into questions to ask her. And always point her to Jesus.

She is now flirting with 30 and is a firebrand for Jesus. I really don't care how a person gets to the point of solid faith. I am just thankful when they do.

Now before I get accused of halo polishing, this is how I deal with everyone that wants to discuss spiritual things. I am thrilled that God has a firm grip on this gal's heart. He may or may not have used me to get here there, I don't know. What I do know is that her and I never wavered in our friendship and mutual respect. And not once in there did I see rebellion. I did see a young lady who was going to find the truth for herself. Second hand faith was not an option for her.

You want to be listened to by a teen? Don't treat them like the children they were. Treat them like the adults they are becoming.

 

[Walt]

I would not assume my teen was automatically in error...nor would I assume the program is...as a parent I am not there to make my kids religious,...

I don't want my kids to necessarily be religious -- but I do want the to love Jesus Christ with all of their heart.

 

[The Rogue Tomato]

I would not assume my teen was automatically in error...nor would I assume the program is...as a parent I am not there to make my kids religious,...

I don't want my kids to necessarily be religious -- but I do want the to love Jesus Christ with all of their heart.

Compulsory church attendance isn't going to accomplish that. 

 

[HeDied4U]

I would not assume my teen was automatically in error...nor would I assume the program is...as a parent I am not there to make my kids religious,...

I don't want my kids to necessarily be religious -- but I do want the to love Jesus Christ with all of their heart.

Compulsory church attendance isn't going to accomplish that.

Amen!

 

[rsc2a]

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

 

[Walt]

Interesting discussion... I should add that I agree that the church could certainly be the problem; one of the problems at a former church was that the youth pastor (the pastor's relative) would just yell at the teens to do more, instead of actually growing them.

As a teen, I was blessed to be in a church that did not over-emphasize "doing", so I was able to grow - I very much enjoyed my teen time in church.

 

[Walt]

I would not assume my teen was automatically in error...nor would I assume the program is...as a parent I am not there to make my kids religious,...

I don't want my kids to necessarily be religious -- but I do want the to love Jesus Christ with all of their heart.

Compulsory church attendance isn't going to accomplish that.

I agree -- but not wanting to go is a flag that SOMETHING is wrong somewhere; me, the church, my teen; something.

 

[Binaca Chugger]

When your teen tells you he doesn't want ot go to church, rejoice that he is willing ot have a conversation with you.  Now is your chance to parent.  Do your job and parent.  Don't just scream or threaten.  Don't allow them whatever they want.  Listen.  Love.  Teach.  Train.  Instruct.  Explain.  Demonstrate.  Lead.

 

[Binaca Chugger]

As my kids have become teens, I have been happy that they would talk to me about things I wasn't able to talk to my parents about.  I have, on some occasions, told them something like:

"You are becoming an adult and will need to make your own decision about this issue.  Your decision could very well affect the rest of your life.  I would like the opportunity to explain to you why I have made X (Whatever the issue) decision in my life.  I would like to present you with all of the information so that you can make a good decision."

We talk.  I get ultimate decision, but let them make many on their own.  Some of their decisions are not what I would do, but, they are not really rebellious decisions either.  I have been pleased at how many right decisions they make.

Get the heart of your child.

 

[Wisdoms Friend]

One of our five children struggled with this when he was about 16.  He also wanted to drop out of school and just work a job.

The approach we took was to remind him that school attendance was  compulsory at this stage in his life.  If he chose to drop out of school, he would also have to find another place to live, because going to school was required to live in our home.  In our state, he also had to maintain a passing grade in school to get and keep his driver's license.  As parents, part of our job is to direct our children towards what we believe is best.  That means making them get up Monday-Friday for school, being actively involved in their schooling to help them to graduate, and it also means directing their spiritual education at home and through church.  If he chose to cut us off from direction regarding school, then he needed to make the adult decision now about finding another place to live.  If he chose to cut us off from direction regarding church, then he needed to make the adult decision now about finding another place to live.

His was a heart issue, and with a resolute firmness, and much private tears and prayer, we weathered the storm, and (to God be the glory) we saw him turn back to the Lord.

 

[Binaca Chugger]

Really not sure that kicking your minor out of the house is ever the right move.  Not sure it is legal, either.


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[ALAYMAN]

Lots of good thoughts.  I agree that the total authoritarian model is not ideal.  Lines of discussion and dialogue on a host of tough subjects should always be encouraged, tethered to age appropriateness of course.  At the end of the day, as far as parental philosophy goes, I am still curious what those who argue for a laissez-faire approach do in other matters where your adolescent bulks at your house rules.  What if they say they aren't picking up after themselves anymore?  Aren't abiding by your curfew?  Use inappropriate language and show disprespectful attitude regularly?  Bring home unsavory guests?  Are you just going to talk about it with them?  After awhile all the talk in the world becomes hot air.

 

[subllibrm]

Lots of good thoughts.  I agree that the total authoritarian model is not ideal.  Lines of discussion and dialogue on a host of tough subjects should always be encouraged, tethered to age appropriateness of course.  At the end of the day, as far as parental philosophy goes, I am still curious what those who argue for a laissez-faire approach do in other matters where your adolescent bulks at your house rules.  What if they say they aren't picking up after themselves anymore?  Aren't abiding by your curfew?  Use inappropriate language and show disprespectful attitude regularly?  Bring home unsavory guests?  Are you just going to talk about it with them?  After awhile all the talk in the world becomes hot air.

Who has argued such?  ??? ???

 

[ALAYMAN]

Who has argued such?  ??? ???

I could be wrong, but I think it is a fair inference from this statement...

but in the absence of something like that and if the answer truly is they are just apathetic towards things of God..... then i really would take them fishing...... or just let them have a break from it all, if they are old enough, ...and go out to do something else on their own... .... ... like He did with the prodigal son God will show them the reasons they need to come back........

Regardless of any specific statement in this thread, there *are* people who relax church attendance standards on the basis that it will burn them out, or turn them away to force them to attend.  I was just making the correlation to that style when it comes to other issues in the home.  How far does this permissibility go in other areas where there is a conflict of wills within the structure and authority of the home?  And does such an attitude likewise grant the teen amnesty just because "they don't feel like doing it anymore"?

 

[subllibrm]

Who has argued such?  ??? ???

I could be wrong, but I think it is a fair inference from this statement...

but in the absence of something like that and if the answer truly is they are just apathetic towards things of God..... then i really would take them fishing...... or just let them have a break from it all, if they are old enough, ...and go out to do something else on their own... .... ... like He did with the prodigal son God will show them the reasons they need to come back........

Regardless of any specific statement in this thread, there *are* people who relax church attendance standards on the basis that it will burn them out, or turn them away to force them to attend.  I was just making the correlation to that style when it comes to other issues in the home.  How far does this permissibility go in other areas where there is a conflict of wills within the structure and authority of the home?  And does such an attitude likewise grant the teen amnesty just because "they don't feel like doing it anymore"?

Ah, I see.

Okay, I will answer (for myself, not that poster) this way.

Household chores and church attendance are an apples and pick-ax comparison. I would say that conflating the two harms the concept of church attendance by making an association to chores. No one looks forward to spring cleaning or unclogging a toilet, so I am not sure that I want to build that kind of knee-jerk reaction into the attitude a teen has toward church attendance.

While I taught my girls how to change their oil and a flat tire, I never expected them to enjoy it. On the other hand, it was always my desire that they find church to be a haven and that they would desire to assemble with other believers.