Ministering to those going through grief

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BandGuy

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I have seen many articles on Facebook lately advising us what we should and should not say to those who are grieving.  Many of these look much like this one:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rev-emily-c-heath/dealing-with-grief-five-t_b_2303910.html

As I read through them sometimes, I cringe to think that some of the theology being promoted in the name of ministering to the grievers is so horribly unbiblical.  It made me wonder if there is a good way to minister to those who are grieving without compromising Scriptural doctrine.  The following ideas came to mind for me:

1.  When someone is going through a time of grieving, they probably don't need a lesson on theology or God's purpose in tragedies.
2.  As a matter of fact, they probably don't really need us to say much of anything at all.
3.  What they probably need the most is someone to be with them as Christ has been with us, to help them with meals, working out financial problems, child care, making arrangements, and to just listen to them.
4.  There will certainly be plenty of time to explore the deeper meaning of the loss of a loved one much later, but for now, perhaps a trip through the Psalms and a reliance on the Holy Spirit to reveal that to them and us would be a better way to go.

Agree?  Disagree?  Thoughts?
 
Circumstances during the time of grieving are unique to the individual. 
#3 would be appropriate in most cases. 
 
JrChurch said:
Circumstances during the time of grieving are unique to the individual. 
#3 would be appropriate in most cases.
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Agreed.  unique people require unique responses.  As pastors, counselors and Christian friends, we have a responsibility to increase in knowledge, understanding, wisdom and yieldedness to the Holy Spirit's leading to properly guide each unique individual through grief uniquely.
 
When you are in shock, nothing, said, will produce an immediate effect.

After years of feedback, and finally watching my wife in the trial of our still-born son, zaagidwin giizhiis, I have learned that there are no words of comfort that mean as much as the presence of a friend.

For me, God is the friend, reminding me of such good things, that there is no room in this blessed heart for grief.  Not for my own.  But I thank God for friends of my wife, whose pain us the pain I felt, and whose grief is the grief I bore. 
The presence of Family and Friends, at this time, a little help with the cares of this life, these are comforts.

Anishinaabe

 
BandGuy said:
I have seen many articles on Facebook lately advising us what we should and should not say to those who are grieving.  Many of these look much like this one:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rev-emily-c-heath/dealing-with-grief-five-t_b_2303910.html

As I read through them sometimes, I cringe to think that some of the theology being promoted in the name of ministering to the grievers is so horribly unbiblical.  It made me wonder if there is a good way to minister to those who are grieving without compromising Scriptural doctrine.  The following ideas came to mind for me:

1.  When someone is going through a time of grieving, they probably don't need a lesson on theology or God's purpose in tragedies.
2.  As a matter of fact, they probably don't really need us to say much of anything at all.
3.  What they probably need the most is someone to be with them as Christ has been with us, to help them with meals, working out financial problems, child care, making arrangements, and to just listen to them.
4.  There will certainly be plenty of time to explore the deeper meaning of the loss of a loved one much later, but for now, perhaps a trip through the Psalms and a reliance on the Holy Spirit to reveal that to them and us would be a better way to go.

Agree?  Disagree?  Thoughts?
Click to expand...

Having lost both my wife and mother since the first of the year, I can certainly recognize with point # 2. I got so tired of people spouting scripture, or saying it will get easier or even saying that it was God's will. I just wanted to tell them to shut the [blank] up and to slap the crap out of them. I know they meant well, but well meaning words ain't going to ease the pain. What "worked" best in my case was just the presence o a friends who would listen without saying a word, and to just let me cry when I had to, without any judging.
 
To be clear, as  a Calvinist myself, I do believe that God does have a purpose for everything, even horrible tragedies.  And even though I don't think we should be giving a theology lesson to a person who is grieving about God's purpose for their loss, neither do I think we should tell them that hey, stuff happens, and act as if there is no rhyme or reason to their loss.  I think both messages are destructive during a time of grieving (although, I personally think that telling me that there was no sense or purpose for my suffering is far worse).  This is why I am pretty sure we should all just shut up and listen, and be there to help out and carry the load of suffering for our friends and allow the Holy Spirit to do the healing and teach them about His purpose and glorious will in their suffering.
 
BandGuy said:
1.  When someone is going through a time of grieving, they probably don't need a lesson on theology or God's purpose in tragedies.
2.  As a matter of fact, they probably don't really need us to say much of anything at all.
3.  What they probably need the most is someone to be with them as Christ has been with us, to help them with meals, working out financial problems, child care, making arrangements, and to just listen to them.

Agree?  Disagree?  Thoughts?
Click to expand...

Agree 100%.  I have a truckload of grief from several tragedies that I've never been able to get over because I never got any of these.  I got diddly squat help from my church, and I thought (until then) that my church was very good.  I did get various lessons on theology and God's purpose, and that did NOT help.  And you know how they say tragedies can either bring families together or tear them apart.  It tore mine apart.  My only surviving immediate relative is my sister, and we can hardly speak to each other. 

I've given up on the idea that I can get past the grief.  My wife still doesn't understand why I start crying every time the thought of my children when their mother abandoned them comes up, or the passing of my mother or father.  In fact, I'm in pieces right now writing about it. 

This is obviously a big pet peeve for me. 

 
When I went through the greatest grief in my life, I was shocked at how many friends, even pastor friends, abandoned me.  They would have nothing to do with me.  One told me to never talk to him again.  I found only a couple that would give me what I need - comfort mixed with truth.

I have great admiration for Job's friends who offered comfort and solace to their friend.  For days, they sat in the heap with him.  It was only when they each tried to find their own purpose in the tragedy that they became "bad" friends.

Summary:  Be present.  Be a crutch.  Speak truth, but do not seek to declare a particular purpose.  We really don't know God's particular purpose in the tragedies around us.
 
I think those folks should pick themselves up by their bootstraps, quit feeling sorry for themselves and go bake some cookies to give to other people.

[Jack Hyles sarcasm off]
 
Back in the 60's & early 70's I had a youth pastor who started & stayed in the same ministry for 50 years. The family was not surprised after a lingering decline in his health. Hundreds of those of us who had been influenced by his ministry showed for the viewing & funeral, we just showed up to support his wife & family. It filtered to down to about 50 who went to the graveside service & we had no idea his son would speak.

He pointed to the casket & said: "You all know that my Dad is not in that box. He is in Heaven, the very place that he told us all of all those years. We've all grieved together today. But Dad would tell us now to continue to spread the gospel of Christ where we live. The mission of the great commission hasn't changed for any of us."

We all walked away, after grieving for a short time, with renewed purpose to go tell the lost of the Savior who has prepared us a home in His Heaven & to continue to more make disciples.
 
Binaca Chugger said:
I have great admiration for Job's friends who offered comfort and solace to their friend.  For days, they sat in the heap with him.  It was only when they each tried to find their own purpose in the tragedy that they became "bad" friends.
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What I despise is Job's friends telling Job that his misfortune was due to some sin(s) Job must have committed.  That's what I got from my sister and some others.  "Here's why you're suffering.  You didn't do THIS or THAT enough."  One of my favorites:  "You were too lazy to get up early and attend the Lord's supper."  Not even I knew at the time I was suffering from severe sleep deprivation from severe sleep apnea, and was often unable to wake up, and I used to fall asleep during the days.  I just got blamed for the symptoms. 

I learned to try not to judge people because I KNOW that I have no idea what they're going through.  I advise others to think likewise, especially when dealing with someone who is suffering.

 
Everyone deals with death differently. When you're the care giver it's a special bond you have with the person and a loss greater than you can ever imagine. I've also learned to not judge people by their actions or words. The truth is the truth and it will sit you free. The hardest to deal with is family turning their back on each other.....that has been the saddest. One thing I've done is stay positive and pray for others.
 
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