Stupidest fundy argument ever

Ransom

Ransom

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This isn't apropos of anything in particular. I was just reminiscing about this particular argument (which I spotted years ago on a long-defunct forum), and thought it might do as a topic starter.

It goes like this:

[list type=decimal]
[*]Moses and Joshua, coming down from Mount Sinai, heard the "noise of war" in the camp (Exod. 32:17).
[*]It turned out not to be war at all, but music: the Israelites were worshipping the golden calf idol that Aaron had made them.
[*]What is the modern equivalent of war? Professional sports.
[*]Professional sports broadcasts always have hard, driving rock music on them.
[*]Therefore, rock music is the "noise of war" that God hates.
[/list]

I'm serious.  When I first read this, my jaw dropped at the mind-numbing stupidity.

Chime in. What is the single stupidest thing you have ever heard a fundy say - from the pulpit, on the radio, on the Internet, whatever - in defense of some doctrine or standard? (It doesn't matter whether the doctrine or standard is true or not, only that the argument employed in its defense is epic in its idiocy.)
 
Ransom said:
This isn't apropos of anything in particular. I was just reminiscing about this particular argument (which I spotted years ago on a long-defunct forum), and thought it might do as a topic starter.

It goes like this:

[list type=decimal]
[*]Moses and Joshua, coming down from Mount Sinai, heard the "noise of war" in the camp (Exod. 32:17).
[*]It turned out not to be war at all, but music: the Israelites were worshipping the golden calf idol that Aaron had made them.
[*]What is the modern equivalent of war? Professional sports.
[*]Professional sports broadcasts always have hard, driving rock music on them.
[*]Therefore, rock music is the "noise of war" that God hates.
[/list]

I'm serious.  When I first read this, my jaw dropped at the mind-numbing stupidity.

Chime in. What is the single stupidest thing you have ever heard a fundy say - from the pulpit, on the radio, on the Internet, whatever - in defense of some doctrine or standard? (It doesn't matter whether the doctrine or standard is true or not, only that the argument employed in its defense is epic in its idiocy.)
Click to expand...

It would have to be a LONG diatribe including Al Gore and Communists to put forth the argument that the
public schools were a tool of Satan.  (Note: this was before the Age of Bronco Bamma, so he missed
inclusion in this rant.)
 
Ransom said:
This isn't apropos of anything in particular. I was just reminiscing about this particular argument (which I spotted years ago on a long-defunct forum), and thought it might do as a topic starter.

It goes like this:

[list type=decimal]
[*]Moses and Joshua, coming down from Mount Sinai, heard the "noise of war" in the camp (Exod. 32:17).
[*]It turned out not to be war at all, but music: the Israelites were worshipping the golden calf idol that Aaron had made them.
[*]What is the modern equivalent of war? Professional sports.
[*]Professional sports broadcasts always have hard, driving rock music on them.
[*]Therefore, rock music is the "noise of war" that God hates.
[/list]

I'm serious.  When I first read this, my jaw dropped at the mind-numbing stupidity.

Chime in. What is the single stupidest thing you have ever heard a fundy say - from the pulpit, on the radio, on the Internet, whatever - in defense of some doctrine or standard? (It doesn't matter whether the doctrine or standard is true or not, only that the argument employed in its defense is epic in its idiocy.)
Click to expand...

That's pretty epic.  I don't think I can top that. 

There was one thing I heard Jack Van Impe say (in person - he spoke at a church I used to attend in NJ) that was at least as convoluted as that, but I can't recall the details.  Something about how AIDS comes from monkeys, therefore monkeys are the beasts referred to in Revelation when it says we'll be killed by the beasts of the earth. 
 
That Jesus wore britches and not a robe (ie. dress) and that the wine in Jesus' day was not alcoholic.
 
And one cannot forget that in the NIV the book of Mark contains 666 verses so therefore the NIV is the mark of the beast.
 
My all time favorite...the KJB says that men stand and pisseth against the wall...so if you are a real man you will stand to pee, rather than squat!
 
What do we burn apart from witches?  Wood. 

Why do witches burn, then?  Because they're made of wood. 

Does wood sink in water?  No, it floats.

What also floats?  A duck. 

So if a woman weighs the same as a duck, then she's made of wood, and therefore, a witch. 

 
The King James is the only legitimate Bible that God approves...because its "authorized"  meaning it was authorized by God.
 
Ransom said:
This isn't apropos of anything in particular. I was just reminiscing about this particular argument (which I spotted years ago on a long-defunct forum), and thought it might do as a topic starter.

It goes like this:

[list type=decimal]
[*]Moses and Joshua, coming down from Mount Sinai, heard the "noise of war" in the camp (Exod. 32:17).
[*]It turned out not to be war at all, but music: the Israelites were worshipping the golden calf idol that Aaron had made them.
[*]What is the modern equivalent of war? Professional sports.
[*]Professional sports broadcasts always have hard, driving rock music on them.
[*]Therefore, rock music is the "noise of war" that God hates.
[/list]

I'm serious.  When I first read this, my jaw dropped at the mind-numbing stupidity.

Chime in. What is the single stupidest thing you have ever heard a fundy say - from the pulpit, on the radio, on the Internet, whatever - in defense of some doctrine or standard? (It doesn't matter whether the doctrine or standard is true or not, only that the argument employed in its defense is epic in its idiocy.)
Click to expand...
Those who often believe in secondary or tertiary separation also often use secondary or tertiary adjunctive argumentation.
 
Ransom said:
Chime in. What is the single stupidest thing you have ever heard a fundy say -
Click to expand...

G.A. Riplinger asserting that the 5 points of Calvinism represent a Satanic Pentagram.

That's just one she gives us from her bag-of-tricks.
 
In honor of the season...

Thus saith the Lord, Learn not the way of the heathen.... For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.
 
Web said:
My fundy pastor came back from Pastors' School sometime in the early 80's with a repeat of Jack Hyles' analogy of female genitalia representing the Holy of Holies.  One man saw (Husband / High Priest), one man touched, one man entered (intercourse / atoning for sins). 

Using this "analogy," fundy pastor had three female mannequins on the stage, one attired in slacks, one attired in cullottes, one attired in a dress.  He pointed out that the slacks did not cover the "holy of holies" but left it available for public view.  The cullottes and the dress were more modest and kept the "holy of holies" out of site and available only for the "high priest" (husband). 

The "high priest" and "holy of holies" connection was to further enforce the idea that modest clothing for woman would be dresses only, consecrating the "holy of holies ho*e" for the "high priest husband" only.

I wanted to point out to him that the genital area outline was equally exposed in the cullottes as well as the slacks, but decided that things were getting too bizarre and maybe it was time to find another church that wasn't so caught up in overt sexuality. 

Just like at FBCH, there was quite a bit of sexual immorality going on amongst the staff and school teachers.  At least we got that part right, too.  Every fundy pastor wanted to be like Jack Hyles back then.
Click to expand...

There are probably even some demons who would read that and say, "Oh, dude... please, that is so wrong."

 
The three T's of tithing:

You owe God 10% of all of your increase so,

1. You have 168 hours in every week and you owe God 16.8 hours of your time. (Never explained how this was accomplished)

2. You owe God 10% of your talent. For instance if you are a carpenter and work 40 hours a week you owe God 4 hours of carpenter work. (Didn't explain how a farmer who works from sunup to sundown and later was supposed to accomplish this either)

3. You owe God 10% of all of your increase. If you receive a free meal from someone you are supposed to estimate it and pay a tithe. If someone gives you a car you are supposed to figure out the value and pay a tithe. You are supposed to go to your employer and find out exactly how much your benefit package costs and pay a tithe. This includes Social Security, paid days off, etc. If you are standing by the side of the street during the Fourth of July parade and someone throws you 10 pieces of candy, you owe God one of them. (The last statement I just made up but I am sure that is what they would tell you)
 
Most influential Christian colleges go downhill and lose their influence and it can usually be traced back to allowing their women to wear pants in the dorms.

Don't take my word for this, just go to smithministries.net and listen to Larry's sermon on holiness. Today it was -29 degrees in Prudhoe Bay AK. I hope no man there was foolish enough to insist that his wife not go out of the house without a skirt and hose.
 
Jack Hyles once said that in the Garden of Eden there were ten different types of trees and only one of them was forbidden to Adam and Eve. When they partook of the fruit what they were doing in essence was stealing the tithe.

(I got a million of them so this thread may never end)!
 
BALAAM said:
Jack Hyles once said that in the Garden of Eden there were ten different types of trees and only one of them was forbidden to Adam and Eve. When they partook of the fruit what they were doing in essence was stealing the tithe.

(I got a million of them so this thread may never end)!
Click to expand...
I actually reference that one in Freedom to Give.  :o
 
Using this "analogy," fundy pastor had three female mannequins on the stage, one attired in slacks, one attired in cullottes, one attired in a dress.  He pointed out that the slacks did not cover the "holy of holies" but left it available for public view.  The cullottes and the dress were more modest and kept the "holy of holies" out of site and available only for the "high priest" (husband). 

The "high priest" and "holy of holies" connection was to further enforce the idea that modest clothing for woman would be dresses only, consecrating the "holy of holies ho*e" for the "high priest husband" only.

And speaking of the holy of holies . . . holy crap, that's bad!
 
BALAAM said:

1. You have 168 hours in every week and you owe God 16.8 hours of your time. (Never explained how this was accomplished)

I sleep roughly 56 of those hours. Do I owe God a 5.6-hour nap?

2. You owe God 10% of your talent. For instance if you are a carpenter and work 40 hours a week you owe God 4 hours of carpenter work. (Didn't explain how a farmer who works from sunup to sundown and later was supposed to accomplish this either)

Is my boss OK with my donating 4 hours of my work week to God instead of him?

3. You owe God 10% of all of your increase. If you receive a free meal from someone you are supposed to estimate it and pay a tithe. If someone gives you a car you are supposed to figure out the value and pay a tithe. You are supposed to go to your employer and find out exactly how much your benefit package costs and pay a tithe. This includes Social Security, paid days off, etc. If you are standing by the side of the street during the Fourth of July parade and someone throws you 10 pieces of candy, you owe God one of them. (The last statement I just made up but I am sure that is what they would tell you)

Does this include my dill and mint and cumin?

Frankly, it sounds to me like this pastor is trying to double-dip on the tithe. If I work 40 hours, I am remunerated for 40 hours - my tithe would be 4 hours' salary. Essentially donating 4 more hours of my time would be another 10%, wouldn't it? Since the tithe was a tax, it was always paid in material goods, never time.

Alas, this is the kind of nonsense you see when you descend into true legalism.
 
Ransom said:
Using this "analogy," fundy pastor had three female mannequins on the stage, one attired in slacks, one attired in cullottes, one attired in a dress.  He pointed out that the slacks did not cover the "holy of holies" but left it available for public view.  The cullottes and the dress were more modest and kept the "holy of holies" out of site and available only for the "high priest" (husband). 

The "high priest" and "holy of holies" connection was to further enforce the idea that modest clothing for woman would be dresses only, consecrating the "holy of holies ho*e" for the "high priest husband" only.

And speaking of the holy of holies . . . holy crap, that's bad!
Click to expand...

Taking this argument to its logical extreme, the crucifixion of Jesus caused the curtain of the temple to be torn in two from top to bottom, thus allowing entry into the holy of holies to everyone, not just the high priest.

Consequently, women should now be wearing crotch-less panties and skirts and let anyone in who wants it. 

 
Frankly, when your pastor's sermons start to sound like the foot-rub discussion scene from Pulp Fiction, it's probably time to strike a search committee.
 
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