What to do?

[nadowsky]

I am looking for help in deciding what to do with some knowledge.  It was just confirmed that our Preacher's son, who has left the church, has fathered a baby boy and this is all unknown to the Preacher.  He has told the lady that he wants nothing to do with the boy and that she needs to leave him alone.  He is paying child support, but my issue is do I tell the Preacher or wait for him to find out from someone else?  His son already told me that he is never going to tell him and he doesn't want them to know.  I personally would want to know if I had a grandchild.  Let me know your thoughts.

 

[ALAYMAN]

I am looking for help in deciding what to do with some knowledge.  It was just confirmed that our Preacher's son, who has left the church, has fathered a baby boy and this is all unknown to the Preacher.  He has told the lady that he wants nothing to do with the boy and that she needs to leave him alone.  He is paying child support, but my issue is do I tell the Preacher or wait for him to find out from someone else?  His son already told me that he is never going to tell him and he doesn't want them to know.  I personally would want to know if I had a grandchild.  Let me know your thoughts.

Tough one, but I too would want to know that I had a grandchild.

 

[FSSL]

Nadowsky... welcome to the forum!

Wow! A HEAVY situation...

This boy... how old is he? Do you know why he confided in you?

Since the information that you have will eventually be known, don't let this unethical "father" prevent you from giving his preacher dad the ability to process and deal with the knowledge of this.

It's not just so the preacher can know he is a grandfather. It is more far reaching. The preacher can lose his ministry over something like this.

 

[nadowsky]

The son is 25.  He didn't confide in me, but the mother did.  I have since verified this off the state court access site as I didn't want to be talking about a rumor.  I don't believe he will lose the ministry as we are a very forgiving church and understand that his son did this on his own accord.

 

[T-Bone]

Welcome...this is a tough one.  You stated that the son is not in the church, and it seems has no real relationship with his father.  I assume he is still in the community, and if so, it wont be long until the dad finds out. Not sure it is your place to tell him, as it boarders on gossip.  Tread with care and don't add to the issue by gossip.

 

[FSSL]

The son is 25.  He didn't confide in me, but the mother did.  I have since verified this off the state court access site as I didn't want to be talking about a rumor.  I don't believe he will lose the ministry as we are a very forgiving church and understand that his son did this on his own accord.

Okay... that is VERY good!

Since you have verified the information and the mother told you... you owe it to the pastor to tell him. How else will the Preacher ever be able to reach out to his son? Give the pastor an opportunity to let this sink in. Then he will be ready to reach out to his son, reconcile, forgive and help his son take responsibility. All of this is FAR MORE valuable than "protecting" the Preacher. Trust that your preacher will eventually respond appropriately.

Another aspect: hopefully this mother will receive help from the Pastor and your church. She may very well be reaching out to you as a member.

Praying with you heartily on this!!!

 

[rsc2a]

I'm one who disagrees with what seems to be the majority opinion. The son has explicitly made it a point to not tell his father, so you shouldn't get involved by telling him.

However, if the mother chooses to tell him...

 

[christundivided]

I'm one who disagrees with what seems to be the majority opinion. The son has explicitly made it a point to not tell his father, so you shouldn't get involved by telling him.

However, if the mother chooses to tell him...

I'd tell the man if I knew him. If not....... I'd be hard pressed to tell him.

This kinda of things doesn't stay silent. Sooner or later it will come out. Its just a matter of who does it.

 

[Izdaari]

I'm one who disagrees with what seems to be the majority opinion. The son has explicitly made it a point to not tell his father, so you shouldn't get involved by telling him.

However, if the mother chooses to tell him...

I agree with this. The mother should be the one to tell him.

I would not. But that's just me and how I deal with stuff. YMMV.

 

[lnf]

I agree with those who say the mother should be the one to tell him.  I encourage you to encourage her to do just that.

 

[Timothy]

I'm one who disagrees with what seems to be the majority opinion. The son has explicitly made it a point to not tell his father, so you shouldn't get involved by telling him.

However, if the mother chooses to tell him...

Yes, but this father has a right to know. The son not sharing this with his father is silly and rebellious. The father is a pastor, and I wonder about his physical houses orderliness. I know you can't control your children, but man! To keep this from your dad is heavy.

 

[rsc2a]

I'm one who disagrees with what seems to be the majority opinion. The son has explicitly made it a point to not tell his father, so you shouldn't get involved by telling him.

However, if the mother chooses to tell him...

Yes, but this father has a right to know. The son not sharing this with his father is silly and rebellious. The father is a pastor, and I wonder about his physical houses orderliness. I know you can't control your children, but man! To keep this from your dad is heavy.

The son is 25, considered an adult legally and morally, and has a right to his own privacy. Short of proving some type of mental illness, it doesn't matter how "silly and rebellious" this action is. (For all we know, the son might have a very good reason to avoid telling his father.) The father's "right" to know extends only as far as the son and the child's mother are willing to allow it.

As far as the orderliness of the father's household, he is not responsible for the actions of his adult son.

 

[Excelsior]

I'm one who disagrees with what seems to be the majority opinion. The son has explicitly made it a point to not tell his father, so you shouldn't get involved by telling him.

However, if the mother chooses to tell him...

Yes, but this father has a right to know. The son not sharing this with his father is silly and rebellious. The father is a pastor, and I wonder about his physical houses orderliness. I know you can't control your children, but man! To keep this from your dad is heavy.

The son is 25, considered an adult legally and morally, and has a right to his own privacy. Short of proving some type of mental illness, it doesn't matter how "silly and rebellious" this action is. (For all we know, the son might have a very good reason to avoid telling his father.) The father's "right" to know extends only as far as the son and the child's mother are willing to allow it.

As far as the orderliness of the father's household, he is not responsible for the actions of his adult son.

I agree with this one. I don't know any of the people involved, but the young man is 25. So yeah, he needs to make decisions on this one. If the young woman wishes for her child to know his grandparents, then hey, it's a free country and she can proceed to introduce him.

Oh, and if the young man has not had a paternity test done, he's not very bright.

 

[Timothy]

I'm one who disagrees with what seems to be the majority opinion. The son has explicitly made it a point to not tell his father, so you shouldn't get involved by telling him.

However, if the mother chooses to tell him...

Yes, but this father has a right to know. The son not sharing this with his father is silly and rebellious. The father is a pastor, and I wonder about his physical houses orderliness. I know you can't control your children, but man! To keep this from your dad is heavy.

The son is 25, considered an adult legally and morally, and has a right to his own privacy. Short of proving some type of mental illness, it doesn't matter how "silly and rebellious" this action is. (For all we know, the son might have a very good reason to avoid telling his father.) The father's "right" to know extends only as far as the son and the child's mother are willing to allow it.

As far as the orderliness of the father's household, he is not responsible for the actions of his adult son.

Children don't block their father out overnight.

If I was in this situation I would tell my pastor. Mostly because I am close with my pastor and I couldn't keep this from him with a clear conscience.

 

[PappaBear]

I will agree that the pastor/father should be told.  The issue is who does the telling? 

There very well could be some special family dynamics that account for why the mother won't tell.  That may even perhaps be part of the reason accounting for why the son is in the place he is, now.

I like Inf's post.  But is the mother reaching out?  Or is she attempting to transfer responsibility, telling someone in the church in hopes she will go tell the father for her?  The serious consideration here is the frequent response of a parent, especially a powerful parent such as a pastor, to strike out at the messenger when bringing such news.  That regardless of the best intentions. 

In my time I have had to deal with so very many family situations where a parent/s is in denial, and when someone tries to make plain that their child has messed up, they blow up.  So, I would use caution.  If you are a man and have a close friendship with the pastor, I would advise breaking it to him yourself.  If you are a woman, as Inf said, encourage his wife to break it to him herself.

 

[Matthew1323]

I am looking for help in deciding what to do with some knowledge.  It was just confirmed that our Preacher's son, who has left the church, has fathered a baby boy and this is all unknown to the Preacher.  He has told the lady that he wants nothing to do with the boy and that she needs to leave him alone.  He is paying child support, but my issue is do I tell the Preacher or wait for him to find out from someone else?  His son already told me that he is never going to tell him and he doesn't want them to know.  I personally would want to know if I had a grandchild.  Let me know your thoughts.

Pray and seek the Lord about what, if anything, you should do about this situation.

 

[JrChurch]

Nadowsky, you gave us the pertinent facts and then asked if you should go to the preacher with the information.  I understand that you would like to be told if you were a grandparent, but the main players in this are the parents of the child.  It is up to them to handle this situation.

This is nothing more than intuition:  -young dad has told young mother to leave him alone and wants nothing to do with her or the child whom he is supporting, but she comes to you with the info-  seems that she is trying to force the young father to get involved by manipulating someone to tell the grandfather. 

Personally, I would stay out of it and let the parents handle it.  There is a young life involved and the parents need to learn to handle this situation responsibly. 

 

[SwampHag]

I would stay WAAAAAAY out of this.
This is for the young man and young lady to deal with.

 

[prophet]

I would stay WAAAAAAY out of this.
This is for the young man and young lady to deal with.

Momma may be vindictive.  Being a 'victim' of rejection (it takes 2), may have become a root of bitterness.  She needs to take her baby to meet Grandpa, and let the chips fall, for her sake.
  Your job is to learn to tell people that they cant enlist you to run their errands for you every time they give an emotional appeal.
Your story is burning a hole in your pocket, so put some ice in the pocket, and pray for those involved.
Keep the perspective, you were either a shoulder, or a recruit.  Be the shoulder.
Anishinabe

 

[Vandal]

Wisdom in the last three posts...