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This is a good discussion. I don't pretend to have all the answers with regard to how to handle church members who flee the coop instead of hanging around for the disciplinary process. It appears that the Apostle Paul did more than just let Hymenaeus and Alexander quietly go, in 1 Timothy 1:20 - he named names and "delivered them unto Satan," which may indicate a judgment of excommunication that would put other churches on record that Hymie and Alex were not fit prospects for transfer of membership.
I have had to leave a number of churches where the situation became abusive. I was always willing to be answer for any allegations of wrongdoing against me, and to meet with my accusers, but my experience has been that abusive church leaders did not want to talk about it or substantiate their accusations against me. I still believe in church discipline and in confronting wrongdoing in the church, but for me it is pointless to stick around and wrangle with leaders who will not talk to me and explain, from a Scriptural position, what they think I did wrong. (Of course, those leaders will always say I refused to meet with them, even though I was willing to meet and they didn't want to meet).
When I left IFB Church #2, they gave me no advance notice that I would be excommunicated, and they never afterwards gave any reason for that action to persons who asked them why. Their position was that their action bound other churches so that I could not ever again join another church of like faith and practice. And they made strenuous efforts to enforce that, by having me kicked out of any church of like faith and practice that I might try to join. So much for trying to find another IFB church like the one I left. Many denominations, such as the Presbyterian Church in America and Christian and Missionary Alliance, have policies that if you are excluded from one church, you are not allowed to join another church of the same denomination. So sometimes it is better to leave the movement you got into trouble with, and just move on.
I have had to leave a number of churches where the situation became abusive. I was always willing to be answer for any allegations of wrongdoing against me, and to meet with my accusers, but my experience has been that abusive church leaders did not want to talk about it or substantiate their accusations against me. I still believe in church discipline and in confronting wrongdoing in the church, but for me it is pointless to stick around and wrangle with leaders who will not talk to me and explain, from a Scriptural position, what they think I did wrong. (Of course, those leaders will always say I refused to meet with them, even though I was willing to meet and they didn't want to meet).
When I left IFB Church #2, they gave me no advance notice that I would be excommunicated, and they never afterwards gave any reason for that action to persons who asked them why. Their position was that their action bound other churches so that I could not ever again join another church of like faith and practice. And they made strenuous efforts to enforce that, by having me kicked out of any church of like faith and practice that I might try to join. So much for trying to find another IFB church like the one I left. Many denominations, such as the Presbyterian Church in America and Christian and Missionary Alliance, have policies that if you are excluded from one church, you are not allowed to join another church of the same denomination. So sometimes it is better to leave the movement you got into trouble with, and just move on.