Real Time: Dealing with a pastor who is trying to start an illicit relationship

[FSSL]

A local pastor has been using text messages to contact my married daughter. She told him to stop and her husband knows what is going on. His inappropriate contacts stopped a couple of months ago. However, last night, he is at it again... this time, through Instagram messages.
We are guiding her and my son-in-law in how to proceed. Pray for my son-in-law who is confronting this pastor.
This pastor is married, with teen aged kids and is currently preaching through a series on Marriage.
Our plan...
1) Kept all screenshots.
2) Told him straight up to stop contacting.
3) Getting the husband involved to confront this pastor.
4) If... it does not go well... I am fully connected with many pastors in this area who are his friends. We will get them involved.
Anyone go through this before? Any thoughts?

 

[AverageJoe]

I have had friends who have been through this. Actually, it was my niece. She and her husband have been married 15 years. They attended an IFB church where the pastor had served for nearly 30 years. He was calling her while her husband, a law enforcement officer, was at work. She recorded the calls from day one. Her husband noticed this pastor out on the road, and he was speeding. He stopped the pastor, gave him a ticket, then gave him a warning, letting the pastor know who he was and told him that he knew what was going on. He also informed him that if it didn't cease, he would be more than happy to dog every step he made, let people in the congregation know what was going on, and then would proceed to go even further if necessary. This pastor tried to set my nephew-in-law up, making accusations of him being a pedophile. This backfired, and the pastor was removed from his position in that church, and he was also arrested for harassing my niece. He took another church and is back at it again in a Midwestern state. My niece and nephew have notified this church of the events they went through, and I sincerely doubt this church will keep this man as pastor. Law enforcement has also been notified in the new location. They have a record of several complaints against him in the area where my nephew works in law enforcement.

 

[FSSL]

Crazy! Yes. We know, full-well, this guy will try to backfire on this. If he attempts that, we are well-known among the churches here and have a good reputation. If he attempts to reverse this on us, he will be fully exposed.

 

[AverageJoe]

Crazy! Yes. We know, full-well, this guy will try to backfire on this. If he attempts that, we are well-known among the churches here and have a good reputation. If he attempts to reverse this on us, he will be fully exposed.

That's the only way to handle these kinds of people. They don't need to be like DH was done...pushed onto another congregation. They need to be out of the ministry...PERMANENTLY!

 

[The BUS]

I have had friends who have been through this. Actually, it was my niece. She and her husband have been married 15 years. They attended an IFB church where the pastor had served for nearly 30 years. He was calling her while her husband, a law enforcement officer, was at work. She recorded the calls from day one. Her husband noticed this pastor out on the road, and he was speeding. He stopped the pastor, gave him a ticket, then gave him a warning, letting the pastor know who he was and told him that he knew what was going on. He also informed him that if it didn't cease, he would be more than happy to dog every step he made, let people in the congregation know what was going on, and then would proceed to go even further if necessary. This pastor tried to set my nephew-in-law up, making accusations of him being a pedophile. This backfired, and the pastor was removed from his position in that church, and he was also arrested for harassing my niece. He took another church and is back at it again in a Midwestern state. My niece and nephew have notified this church of the events they went through, and I sincerely doubt this church will keep this man as pastor. Law enforcement has also been notified in the new location. They have a record of several complaints against him in the area where my nephew works in law enforcement.

That pastor is a special kind of scum. He should be thrown out on his ear.

 

[FundNoMore]

Her husband should have been involved from the start. A one to one counseling session with this "pastor " and her husband is definitely in order followed by contacting whatever body ordained him to have his ordination revoked. He should not be allowed another Sunday in the pulpit, but I know these things take time. Get him out of your church and out of the ministry as soon as possible and if he resists do not remain quiet.

 

[Dr. Huk-N-Duck]

A local pastor has been using text messages to contact my married daughter. She told him to stop and her husband knows what is going on. His inappropriate contacts stopped a couple of months ago. However, last night, he is at it again... this time, through Instagram messages.
We are guiding her and my son-in-law in how to proceed. Pray for my son-in-law who is confronting this pastor.
This pastor is married, with teen aged kids and is currently preaching through a series on Marriage.
Our plan...
1) Kept all screenshots.
2) Told him straight up to stop contacting.
3) Getting the husband involved to confront this pastor.
4) If... it does not go well... I am fully connected with many pastors in this area who are his friends. We will get them involved.
Anyone go through this before? Any thoughts?

I have several thoughts on the matter:
A). No where have I seen a mention of informing his wife. Shouldn’t she be made aware, not only as the wife, but also as the partner in ministry?
B). Based on your message, I’m unaware if this guy is the lead pastor or assistant, but I’m assuming he’s the head pastor. Has the deacon board been made aware?
C). I’m also unaware of this pastor’s age. I say this because the mentality of younger adults vs older adults is very different, and how younger adults approach texts/social media is very different. I’m not justifying anything, but it might be a case of immaturity rather than evil intent. Obviously, not being privy to what he’s put in writing, I’m just viewing the glass half full here.
D). I’ve been on the receiving end of untrue, malicious office gossip of this nature. I actually told my wife about it to be transparent and she knew it was ridiculous. I say that to give the guy the benefit of the doubt (again, I don’t know what he was actually saying though). Hopefully this is a younger man who just needs to be more careful with his use of technology and boundaries. I know from my own experience that I learned to totally avoid any possible scenario in which it could invite idle gossip or misunderstandings.
E). On a final note, why in the world stay at a church if there’s actual merit to this? I’d definitely confront and then inform staff/members I’ll not be back until he’s gone.

 

[Ransom]

The evil Ransom on my left shoulder would like to know whether you have his wife's phone number, email address, or whatever. A few strategic forwards would seem in order.

 

[FSSL]

Clarification:
None of us are a part of his church. It’s a fairly new church in our area.
My daughter’s husband has been very active from the very first text. This pastor was warned and a few months later tries the same thing.
I am actively behind my daughter and son-in-law, letting them control the strategy. I am providing counsel and help along the way.
We may end up attending one of his services and then confronting him after he shakes the last hand… while an elder is in earshot. We have to find out who the elders are. I will record it and then distribute if necessary.

 

[fishinnut]

A local pastor has been using text messages to contact my married daughter. She told him to stop and her husband knows what is going on. His inappropriate contacts stopped a couple of months ago. However, last night, he is at it again... this time, through Instagram messages.
We are guiding her and my son-in-law in how to proceed. Pray for my son-in-law who is confronting this pastor.
This pastor is married, with teen aged kids and is currently preaching through a series on Marriage.
Our plan...
1) Kept all screenshots.
2) Told him straight up to stop contacting.
3) Getting the husband involved to confront this pastor.
4) If... it does not go well... I am fully connected with many pastors in this area who are his friends. We will get them involved.
Anyone go through this before? Any thoughts?

She could have immediately blocked the text messages.
Also, on IG the account can be set to "private", thus blocking the unwanted messages.
The clown sending them must get some sort of thrill just knowing that they are being read.
Burn him now.........before it hurts the church members.

 

[Dr. Huk-N-Duck]

She could have immediately blocked the text messages.
Also, on IG the account can be set to "private", thus blocking the unwanted messages.
The clown sending them must get some sort of thrill just knowing that they are being read.
Burn him now.........before it hurts the church members.

That was my first thought too, it takes three seconds to hit “block” after getting an unwanted or inappropriate text. I thought he was her pastor based on the initial message, but apparently not, so why not block his butt right away?!?

 

[FundNoMore]

Clarification:
None of us are a part of his church. It’s a fairly new church in our area.
My daughter’s husband has been very active from the very first text. This pastor was warned and a few months later tries the same thing.
I am actively behind my daughter and son-in-law, letting them control the strategy. I am providing counsel and help along the way.
We may end up attending one of his services and then confronting him after he shakes the last hand… while an elder is in earshot. We have to find out who the elders are. I will record it and then distribute if necessary.

Ok, now I am confused. If none of you are part of the church, how did this "pastor" become aware of your daughter? How did he get her cell phone number? Was there a non church affiliated interaction?

 

[Dr. Huk-N-Duck]

Ok, now I am confused. If none of you are part of the church, how did this "pastor" become aware of your daughter? How did he get her cell phone number? Was there a non church affiliated interaction?

Yeah, the “clarification” caused more confusion and questions for me too!

 

[aleshanee]

Yeah, the “clarification” caused more confusion and questions for me too!

actually... it;s not hard at all to understand how this could happen.. a pair of sisters i knew who lived here over 2 decades ago had fled here with their family.. from another state - to get away from a predatory youth pastor of a church they were not members of... ..he had first noticed the sisters and began paying inappropriate attention to them when they volunteered at a vacation bible school open to multiple churches.... he continued contacting them privately and grooming both of them after the VBS was over... ..all the while telling his superiors he was trying to help them grow as christians.... i met them at a hospital in a group therapy session and don;t want to say any more about it... . but i can say their situation ended in a tragedy....

predators are always on the lookout for new and potential victims... and the girls they target don;t have to be in the same church or even the same town... ..they have numerous and sneaky ways to get someones phone numbers and even their adresses after they have moved away... ...they have been known to travel hundreds even thousands of miles to show up on a former victims door step... ..and they are very good at pretending to be the victim once they have been confronted or a complaint has been filed against them... .....even turning the tables on their victims in ways just like fssl said he is concerned about... ..

 

[Dr. Huk-N-Duck]

actually... it;s not hard at all to understand how this could happen.. a pair of sisters i knew who lived here over 2 decades ago had fled here with their family.. from another state - to get away from a predatory youth pastor of a church they were not members of... ..he had first noticed the sisters and began paying inappropriate attention to them when they volunteered at a vacation bible school open to multiple churches.... he continued contacting them privately and grooming both of them after the VBS was over... ..all the while telling his superiors he was trying to help them grow as christians.... i met them at a hospital in a group therapy session and don;t want to say any more about it... . but i can say their situation ended in a tragedy....

predators are always on the lookout for new and potential victims... and the girls they target don;t have to be in the same church or even the same town... ..they have numerous and sneaky ways to get someones phone numbers and even their adresses after they have moved away... ...they have been known to travel hundreds even thousands of miles to show up on a former victims door step... ..and they are very good at pretending to be the victim once they have been confronted or a complaint has been filed against them... .....even turning the tables on their victims in ways just like fssl said he is concerned about... ..

I hear what you’re saying loud and clear…but this is a grown, married woman, not a teenager. If I had any suspicions this was happening with my own daughter (who is a minor), I’d immediately contact the man to cease and desist or I’d contact law enforcement, depending on the nature and extent of the communication that was sent to her. It becomes a little more complicated when we’re discussing an adult female who is being “groomed.”

 

[aleshanee]

I hear what you’re saying loud and clear…but this is a grown, married woman, not a teenager. If I had any suspicions this was happening with my own daughter (who is a minor), I’d immediately contact the man to cease and desist or I’d contact law enforcement, depending on the nature and extent of the communication that was sent to her. It becomes a little more complicated when we’re discussing an adult female who is being “groomed.”

and from the the sound of it the perpetrator is not a run of the mill man off the street either... .. he is a pastor of a congregation who obviously has a reputation and some degree of authority... ...never under estimate the ability of a perpetrator in those kinds of occupatons.... and with those credentials ... to exert their influence... garner support.... or even their ability to enlist 2nd and 3rd parties to assist them with their illicit objectives.....

that;s basically all i was saying..... maybe i should have clarified i was answering fund-no-mores questions as well as what you said was your confusuion about it .... and explaining about how easily the perp could have become aware of the adult female in question ... and how he could have gotten her phone numbers and other information.. without her even knowing he was doing it and without her even knowing who he was.. .

i know of more than one adult victim of constant predation who filled out an official complaint against her stalker - where she was also required to write down her contact information... including a cell phone number... .... their stalkers were then served with the official complaint - complete with their phone numbers clearly listed.... and began sending them text messages .... and that;s only one way it can happen....

but i said nothing about how the situation should be dealt with...... ...there is no one size fits all in these kinds of things.... and taking the wrong action..or trying to use the wrong people to assist you... can end up hurting the victim more than it does the perpetrator.... .

 

[Dr. Huk-N-Duck]

and from the the sound of it the perpetrator is not a run of the mill man off the street either... .. he is a pastor of a congregation who obviously has a reputation and some degree of authority... ...never under estimate the ability of a perpetrator in those kinds of occupatons.... and with those credentials ... to exert their influence... garner support.... or even their ability to enlist 2nd and 3rd parties to assist them with their illicit objectives.....

that;s basically all i was saying..... maybe i should have clarified i was answering fund-no-mores questions as well as what you said was your confusuion about it .... and explaining about how easily the perp could have become aware of the adult female in question ... and how he could have gotten her phone numbers and other information.. without her even knowing he was doing it and without her even knowing who he was.. .

i know of more than one adult victim of constant predation who filled out an official complaint against her stalker - where she was also required to write down her contact information... including a cell phone number... .... their stalkers were then served with the official complaint - complete with their phone numbers clearly listed.... and began sending them text messages .... and that;s only one way it can happen....

but i said nothing about how the situation should be dealt with...... ...there is no one size fits all in these kinds of things.... and taking the wrong action..or trying to use the wrong people to assist you... can end up hurting the victim more than it does the perpetrator.... .

I see what you’re saying. I guess I always tend to equate these people with stalking minors. I’ve never really known an adult female who was groomed or even seriously stalked for that matter, but obviously it happens. I’ve heard stories on TV and whatnot, of course.

 

[Ekklesian]

She could have immediately blocked the text messages.

Exactly. Blocked the text messages and his number.
Problem solved.

 

[Ekklesian]

a pair of sisters i knew who lived here over 2 decades ago had fled here with their family.. from another state - to get away from a predatory youth pastor of a church they were not members of

Knowing some who've 'fled' a region after some scandal, this sounds more like they were 'fleeing' from their part in it.

 

[aleshanee]

Knowing some who've 'fled' a region after some scandal, this sounds more like they were 'fleeing' from their part in it.

why would you even say something like that?..... unless you were the same kind of disgusting piece of trash they were fleeing from?...... ...the 2 sisters i am speaking of were teenagers when their family brought them here to give them separation from both the man and the church who was party to the abuse.... about a year after i met them the younger of the 2 commited suicide.....

you sound like a defense lawyer i remember who tried to acuse a child of having been "an unusually promiscuous 5 year old".. in a court hearing that sent her mother and a few other perverts to jail.. ...he came very close to sharing some jail time with his clients ...... ...so why don;t you take your half naked pencil necked avatar... and your filthy imagination.... and scram....